Saturday, March 5, 2011

Sketch Of The Week: Shop Lifters

Jeff Morin Police Sketch Artist... Nah! That sounds like a boring job. Although it would probably be better than my current day job and I do like to use my artwork to bust criminals.

As some of you may already know, I work at a grocery store by day wasting my talents stocking cheese and ordering milk. One day I was lingering in the back room by the double doors, sighing and complaining when, through the door's window, I noticed a couple of guys on the liquor isle up to no good. The fellow on the right (we'll call him Righty) shoves this huge bottle of vodka in his pants. He and his friend (Lefty) began to walk very quickly toward the front of the store. I was having none of this and went into full on Batman mode, following them and matching their speed. They both split up and Righty made his way past the cash registers while Lefty escaped out the front door. I stepped in front of Righty and asked "Where are you going?" trying to hide the nervous squeak in my voice. I calmly asked him to give me the bottle back and he tried to act as if he didn't know what I was talking about, to which I replied "Bullshit, I saw you shove that bottle down your pants." He still wasn't budging but he wasn't trying to leave, so he knew he was caught. Being that I was all alone and my fellow employee's weren't paying any attention to this confrontation I was engaged in, I decided that it would be easier for me to recover the merchandise rather than detain the suspect. So I offered him a deal, If he gave me the bottle I wouldn't call the police. And what do you know it worked. I rescued the $60.00 bottle of hooch.

I felt like a bit of a hero until later when my bosses reviewed the security footage and found out that Lefty had taken a bottle too. Also, one of the employee's saw them leaving and said that they were yuckin' it up as they tore ass out of the parking lot. Needless to say I was not too happy about that. If only I had a cool car and scary costume like Batman, then I'd track them down and teach them a thing or two about the importance of justice.

Later on I used my excellent artist's memory and some screen caps from the security footage to create these accurate sketches of the two douche bags. I hung it up in the break room for other employees, just in case they ever returned but they never did. Probably because they were too terrified of encountering the Milk-Man again. (Cue Danny Elfman's Batman score)

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